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Diver's Jokes

Diver's Jokes around the world. Enjoy it.

HOW TO FAIL YOUR OPEN WATER TEST:

  • Tell your instructor you will race him to the surface.
  • Lie face down and motionless while holding your breath.
  • Loudly proclaim that safety stops are for "wossies".
  • Show up with a set of tables based on your own algorithm "that's WAY better".
  • Spit in your wetsuit and pee in your mask.
  • Ask your instructor, which fin goes on which foot.
  • Tell your instructor there is no way you can lift a cylinder with 2000 pounds of air in it.
  • When asked for your dive plan, you hand over a bundle of travel brochures.
  • By giving the signal of Out Of Air all the time.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE A BETTER DIVER THAN YOUR INSTRUCTOR WHEN:

  • You have to lend him a weight so he can get under.
  • He keeps calling his scuba cylinder an oxygen tank'.
  • He fills out a dive log entry for every pool session.
  • He is a victim in your rescue course, and he isn't playing.
  • His new dive computer is a Palm Pilot.
  • You ask him about nitrox and he says he doesn't watch wrestling.
  • If you get hiccups underwater he tells you to hold your breath.
  • He tells you not to worry about your gauges, "YOU'LL KNOW WHEN YOU'RE OUT OF AIR!!"
  • He tells you to wear gloves so that the coral won't cut you as you drag yourself over the reef.
  • He tells you to use all your air underwater - "waste not - want not".

HOW TO TELL IF YOU NEED TO PRACTICE BETTER BOUYANCY CONTROL:

  • You rely on the silt trail you always stir up to find the shot line at the end of the dive.
  • You insist that you never wear fins because it makes it more difficult to walk on the bottom.
  • The only place you can hover is at the surface.
  • On ascents, your entire body clears the surface of the water.
  • You use 50 bar for breathing and 150 bar for your BC.
  • You are certain you went for one dive, but your computer has logged three.
  • You think being neutral in the water means that you don't fight with your buddy.

WHAT NOT TO SAY ON A DIVE BOAT:

  • "Can I keep this coral your anchor broke off?"
  • "Buddy? Oh, did I go down with a buddy?"
  • "Can someone lend me a computer, mine keeps flashing 'DECO VIOLATION'?"
  • "Does anyone else smell smoke?"
  • "What do I do with this bucket of vomit?"
  • "Is that your mask under my tank?"
  • "Nice speed but...who is driving the boat?"

HOW TO TELL WHEN YOUR DIVE BUDDY ISN'T YOUR DIVE BUDDY ANYMORE:

  • He gives you the "wait here" sign and you are still on the boat.
  • He "forgets" to close your dry suit zipper.
  • When you give him the out of air signal, he passes you his snorkel.
  • When you indicate you are low on air, he writes on his slate "I'll get you some" and swims off.
  • You give him the "OK" signal and he gives you the finger.
  • He spits in your mask for you, but you haven't taken it off yet.

HOW TO TELL IF YOUR BUDDY IS NARC'D:

  • He keeps staring at himself in your mask.
  • You find him buddy breathing with a shark.
  • He pees in his dry suit.
  • His mask fogs under water and he spits in it.
  • Your mask fogs and he spits in it.
  • He looks at you cross-eyed and slurs his bubbles.
  • He shot at you with his speargun.

HOW TO TELL IF YOUR DIVE BUDDY IS EXPERIENCED:

  • He asks, "Which one of these thingies goes in my mouth".
  • He offers to carry everyone's gear to the boat.
  • He thinks BC is a comic strip about cavemen.
  • He's upset when you tell him his dive computer doesn't run windows '98
  • He pees in his wetsuit BEFORE he gets in the water.
  • He argues that NITROX was a monster who battles Godzilla.
  • He says, "Oh, I just wait 'til I get that "tingling feeling", then I know it's time to surface".

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