Diver's Jokes

HOW TO FAIL YOUR OPEN WATER TEST:

• Tell your instructor you will race him to the surface.

• Lie face down and motionless while holding your breath.

• Loudly proclaim that safety stops are for "wossies".

• Show up with a set of tables based on your own algorithm "that's WAY better".

• Spit in your wetsuit and pee in your mask.

• Ask your instructor, which fin goes on which foot.

• Tell your instructor there is no way you can lift a cylinder with 2000 pounds of air in it.

• When asked for your dive plan, you hand over a bundle of travel brochures.

• By giving the signal of Out Of Air all the time.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE A BETTER DIVER THAN YOUR INSTRUCTOR WHEN:

• You have to lend him a weight so he can get under.

• He keeps calling his scuba cylinder an oxygen tank'.

• He fills out a dive log entry for every pool session.

• He is a victim in your rescue course, and he isn't playing.

• His new dive computer is a Palm Pilot.

• You ask him about nitrox and he says he doesn't watch wrestling.

• If you get hiccups underwater he tells you to hold your breath.

• He tells you not to worry about your gauges, "YOU'LL KNOW WHEN YOU'RE OUT OF AIR!!"

• He tells you to wear gloves so that the coral won't cut you as you drag yourself over the reef.

• He tells you to use all your air underwater - "waste not - want not".

HOW TO TELL IF YOU NEED TO PRACTICE BETTER BOUYANCY CONTROL:

• You rely on the silt trail you always stir up to find the shot line at the end of the dive.

• You insist that you never wear fins because it makes it more difficult to walk on the bottom.

• The only place you can hover is at the surface.

• On ascents, your entire body clears the surface of the water.

• You use 50 bar for breathing and 150 bar for your BC.

• You are certain you went for one dive, but your computer has logged three.

• You think being neutral in the water means that you don't fight with your buddy.

WHAT NOT TO SAY ON A DIVE BOAT:

• "Can I keep this coral your anchor broke off?"

• "Buddy? Oh, did I go down with a buddy?"

• "Can someone lend me a computer, mine keeps flashing 'DECO VIOLATION'?"

• "Does anyone else smell smoke?"

• "What do I do with this bucket of vomit?"

• "Is that your mask under my tank?"

• "Nice speed but...who is driving the boat?"

HOW TO TELL WHEN YOUR DIVE BUDDY ISN'T YOUR DIVE BUDDY ANYMORE:

• He gives you the "wait here" sign and you are still on the boat.

• He "forgets" to close your dry suit zipper.

• When you give him the out of air signal, he passes you his snorkel.

• When you indicate you are low on air, he writes on his slate "I'll get you some" and swims off.

• You give him the "OK" signal and he gives you the finger.

• He spits in your mask for you, but you haven't taken it off yet.

HOW TO TELL IF YOUR BUDDY IS NARC'D:

• He keeps staring at himself in your mask.

• You find him buddy breathing with a shark.

• He pees in his dry suit.

• His mask fogs under water and he spits in it.

• Your mask fogs and he spits in it.

• He looks at you cross-eyed and slurs his bubbles.

• He shot at you with his speargun.

HOW TO TELL IF YOUR DIVE BUDDY IS EXPERIENCED:

• He asks, "Which one of these thingies goes in my mouth".

• He offers to carry everyone's gear to the boat.

• He thinks BC is a comic strip about cavemen.

• He's upset when you tell him his dive computer doesn't run windows '98

• He pees in his wetsuit BEFORE he gets in the water.

• He argues that NITROX was a monster who battles Godzilla.

• He says, "Oh, I just wait 'til I get that "tingling feeling", then I know it's time to surface".